May 2010
22 posts
“[“It’s an honor to dance with you”] - Party A
Yes it is. I...”
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pantsing
Do kids still pants one another? Who taught us that it was wildly funny to pants one another?
Pantsing was all the rage when I was in the ‘90’s. Pants to the ground everyday, all day. Oddly, this particular hobby seemed to fade away after high school. What happened? Didn’t we all pants each other in high school? Why did we all collectively stop when we got to college?
One...
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hd vision
The Mrs. and I were in CVS a few weeks ago and check out the shades that I picked up. Yea, the SAME design as the pair my father-in-law got after his “Cadillac” surgery (aka cataract surgery for those who don’t read in Chinglish).
Except mine have yellow lenses. Yellow lenses are the stupidest idea for sunglasses. They make everything brighter. I’m cruising around, and...
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Sitting With Marina By ARTHUR C. DANTO →
I wonder about performance art. Which makes me wonder about fine arts. Which makes me wonder about art. Which makes me wonder about what happened to my peanut butter sandwich…Oh, I ate it, yummm.
Seriously though, I get mixed feelings inside of myself when I think about performance art. What differentiates someone sitting in a museum atrium as art, and someone sitting in a park as homeless?...
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demo this
Today’s agenda consisted of playing UFC Undisputed 2010 for 9 hours in my “home” uniform. Of course, I never buy games, so I’ve been playing the demo. I am ashamed of myself.
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“Your thighs are too powerful.”
– The tailor during my suit fitting.
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lava!
Picture of me, surfing in Hawaii, not photoshopped in any way.
When me and my sister were younger. We used to get piano lessons from a little, old Chinese lady. Since I was a prodigy, she couldn’t teach us both at the same time. I fondly remember throwing everything off of the couches (pillows and cushions) to play, LAVA!
The point of the game is to get across the room without touching...
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evacuate the dance floor
Today, I had to evacuate my work building. Apparently, there was a chlorine leak. I knew installing a pool on the fourth floor was a bad idea.
In other news: Wifey and I wandered into a Chinese movie store last night. Bootleg DVDs throughout and we picked up Shinjuku Incident, a Jackie Chan production. Legend has it that the movie is “too violent for China” and was never released...
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Cheaper Than a Cup of Joe: McDonalds Secret... →
Everyone in America knows what a Big Mac is… but not too many know about the McGangBang! The following are actual items sold at McDonalds… just not on the menu. Enjoy! Good Luck!
McKinely Mac - A Big Mac with quarter pounder patties.
Fries with Big Mac Sauce - Fries smothered in Big…
Land, Sea, and Air Burger - Three different patties (beef, chicken, and fillet-o-fish) all in one...
May God Have Mercy on your Soul...
cheaperthanacupofjoe:
Here’s what the teacher had to say:
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casa di Felipe
When the husband cooks dinner. Hold on to your pants, because we’re about to get fancy:
Sausage and cheese platter:
1 Hillshire Farms Beer Brat
1 Slice of Kraft American Cheese
Slice brat into small pieces and put one slice of cheese on top
Microwave for 30 seconds, then 20 seconds, then 15 seconds.
Don’t question the chef.
Shells in a white cheddar cream sauce
Discard...
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kung fu
Yesterday, I took the wifey out to a fancy dinner at the Golden Arches. While we were waiting in line I showed her some of my kung-fu. She was impressed. I showed her all the good stuff: Himalayan arm bar, screaming lemur finger lock, etc. (see photo above of me starring in Bloodsport 3:The Musical). The kind of stuff that would make Mr. Miyagi proud, may he rest in peace. Needless to say, the...
the life of a wife: The Emotional Roller Coaster... →
He shakes his fist in the air and shouts with envy and despair, “How do these people know so much? How do they know so much trivia!!??I!”
1 minute later…
He shouts at the television, “Warren Buffet! Warren Buffet!!!!!!!” *doodoodoo!* Alex Trebek calmly responds, “Warren Buffet.” The…
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roomba
Let’s be clear. Robots are awesome.
Last night, a trusty robot kept a steady breeze coming into my bedroom. (Much appreciated by the Mrs. because I sweat profusely, especially when I’m slaying ninjas in my dreams.) Contemplate the awesomeness of robots. Prior to the robotic fan, some clown had to wave a giant tree leaf to make a breeze. Even Solomon, in all his riches, didn’t...
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April 2010
24 posts
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bedtime story #4: information appliance
Also not a joke, this is my second best bedtime story.
Jef Raskin was the human interface expert who lead the Macintosh project until Steve Jobs sacrificed him to the computer trolls. During his time at Apple, Raskin worked on a user interface idea called the “information appliance.”
In Raskin’s head, an information appliance would be a computing device with one single...
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bedtime story #2: chocolate wizard
Yesterday, some of you may have wondered, “why does my butt itch? what happened to bedtime story #2?” Well, here it is, my friends:
Franz was a pudgy, little boy. Because of his plump persona, his parents never let him have any delicious, Swiss chocolate.
One afternoon, Franz was romping through the forest and he caught a glimmer in the distance. When he approached the sparkle, he...
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bedtime story #3: the sad cloud
Here’s a touching tale to start your day off better than that Sausage McGriddle:
Once upon a time there was a gray cloud. He was a fat cloud, so fat that he lumbered through the sky. He was also a lumpy cloud, which made him look chunkier than he should. He was a tall cloud, much taller than all the other clouds, which only made it easier for him to see everyone making fun of him.
No...
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bedtime story #1
No joke, you can ask the Mrs., this is my best bedtime story:
Steve Jobs is the co-founder and CEO of Apple. Jobs also previously served as chief executive of Pixar Animation Studios; he became a member of the board of The Walt Disney Company in 2006, following the acquisition of Pixar by Disney.
In the late 1970s, Jobs, with Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, Mike Markkula, and others,...
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bedtime stories
I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my bedroom and was asleep before the room was dark. - Philip Cheng
I’m a quick sleeper. Quick like a ninja. This has proved unfortunate for my wife, who isn’t trained in ninjitsu sleep techniques. So, sometimes we work out an arrangement for me to tell her a bedtime story.
I usually make up a new bedtime story...
“I’m like left-over pizza, I’m getting cold”
– Mystikal on Llyod ft. Mystikal - Set Me Free. He’s BAAACK
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americanese: syntonyms
Learn To Speak Americanese: Chapter 1: Sytonyms
Americanese styntonyms can be very confusing, for example:
1. Willingness to participate in an activity
A. Down
Bobby: Do you want to play basketball with us?
Xian: I’m down for that
B. Up
Bobby: Do you want to play basketball with us?
Xian: I’m up for that
Lesson: Just because they are antonyms in the dictionary, doesn’t mean...
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herbalist
Monday night at 11pm, I find myself in the middle of Connecticut, sitting in the living room of a Chinese herbalist.
This dude, who slightly resembles the illustration at left, starts to feel my pulse. Of course, I try to hold my breath and mess with his reading. He takes a look at my hands and feels my pulse again. He stops to write some mumbo jumbo on his 99 cent spiral notepad. Then,...
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nothing lasts
I’m typing this on my fingernails. Why, you ask? Because I just moisturized, no seriously.
The eczema on my hands has advanced so far and so fast that I don’t really know how to use my hands. My wife’s been doing everything for me, putting on my shirt, opening doorknobs, feeding me my double down.
Now that I’m not preoccupied with surfing the web, I’ve had some...
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lesson tano: bag of chips
Preface: keys to the lamborghini
When your wife is mad at you…
Recognize. I know that I’m not all that and a bag of chips.
So, I leave you with this: When my wife is mad at me, I know that she has good reasons. I’m a clown, I’m a fool, I’m jerk that’s not so cool. (Oooo, I’m a sick poet, 106 & Park here I come!) I’m a broken, imperfect person. So,...
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taxes
To all the people who told me 7 years of college was excessive. The federal government disagrees:
Lifetime Learning Credit, Dollah Hollah. BOO YAH.
Pay your taxes, I’m hoping to ride this college thing for a while.
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lesson neljä: practice
Preface: keys to the lamborghini
When your wife is mad at you…
Practice saying, “I’m sorry.” Now, before you get all sentimental on me. I’m talking about practice the strategery of saying, “I’m sorry.” Here’s a typical rookie mistake:
She says, “Stop flicking your boogers under the bed!”
He says, “I’m sorry.”
She...
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lesson tre: shave
Preface: keys to the lamborghini
When your wife is mad at you…
Shave. Little known fact, probably not universally applicable, my wife hates my scraggly facial hair. I can surmise a few reasons why:
My whiskers feel like the demon children of a Brillo pad and a shuriken
I regularly ex-foliate her face with my upper lip
My mustache makes me look like a registered sex offender.
I feel that...
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lesson dos: hot pursuit
Preface: keys to the lamborghini
When your wife is mad at you…
Stay in hot pursuit. That means, follow her no matter what. It doesn’t matter what room she’s in, you have to stick like white on rice two thighs on a summer day.
If you are a novice, you might find that she’s locked herself in the bathroom. Don’t panic. You must, I repeat, MUST stay outside of the...
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lesson un: contact
Preface: keys to the lamborghini
When your wife is mad at you…
Always maintain physical contact. Doesn’t matter how you do it, anything will suffice. Here are some suggested suggestions.
Hold her cold shoulder
Put your hand on the small of her back
Drape your massive calves over her torso
Touch your toe to her face
The calves thing works well for me because I have calves the...
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keys to the lamborghini
Starting next week. I will embark on a 5 part mini-series entitled:
Defusing the hurt locker: How to succeed in martial marital bliss. aka
FTW: I’m going to give you the keys to the Lamborghini
I am no expert, and this is not self-help. This is just ridiculous stuff that I do to my wife, which happens to work for us. Please stay tuned.
P.S. - If you haven’t clicked the link...
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canon rebel RPG →
“a military investigation later concluded that what was thought to be an RPG was really a long-range photography lens; likewise, the camera looked like an AK-47.”
Follow the link. Let me just say, I’ll be wearing my G-Unit wardrobe next time I’m out shooting down helicopters snapping photos.
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hot
The heater in our apartment is an inferno, disco inferno to be precise. 85 degrees in the winter is a lovely thing. But now, it won’t turn off. The apartment becomes a box of canned heat when it’s 70 degrees outside.
All of this to tell you: Please call ahead if you plan on visiting the Cheng residence. I will likely be in my underwear sipping on an Arnold Palmer. Thank you for your...
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schindler's list →
Ya heard? Schindler’s List sold for $2.2 Million. I heard, and my stomach flipped.
Remember at the end of the movie? Oskar’s all like… look a this ring, how many more Jews could it have saved? He goes on to examine the rest of his material possessions and feels the weight of regret; at the thought of how many more lives he could have saved with his wealth.
I’m no...
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March 2010
27 posts
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prayer
“There are athletes who believe God helps them win - against opponents who would seem, on the face of it, no less worthy of his favouritism. There are motorists who believe God saves them a parking space - thereby presumably depriving somebody else.” - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion, p.84
Be conscious of your prayers. See what I did there? B.I.G.-style, turn a negative into a...
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chocolate cheerios
Product Review: Chocolate Cheerios
Tastes like boot-leg Coco Puffs. However, I feel no guilt after eating the whole box because after all, it’s Cheerios.
It leaves your milk—chocolate colored. But, don’t be fooled, you will not have chocolate milk at the bottom of the bowl. Just brown colored milk.
4 out of 5 stars Chocolate Cheerios, well done. If only you turned regular...
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